Kayla Coghlan
Ms. Becker
Period 6
September 7, 2018
Ashley was born on
a weird holiday called Groundhogs day. Groundhogs day is a weird holiday
because if the groundhogs see their shadow it mostly likely indicates that it
is not cloudy, and that spring is on its way, because of this she chooses to
make this a unique quality about herself.
Despite, Ashley being born on groundhogs day, she loves to read books. her favorite author is Sarah J. Maas, she writes fantasy books and as you may know Ashley loves fantasy books.
You did a good job making it flow like your other post... But I could see you branching of a little more. And going in depth and explaining who she is as a person.
ReplyDeleteAlso you kind of left of with a drop. You could go into what fantasy books she likes.
Delete"Ashley was born on a weird holiday called Groundhogs day. Groundhogs day is a weird holiday..." This portion seems a little repetitive, you had already stated that Groundhogs day was a 'weird' holiday, so maybe instead of restating it, you could add a comma and continue the sentence, "Ashley was born on a weird holiday called Groundhogs day, (reasoning)."
ReplyDeleteAlso your wording in the beginning of the second paragraph seems strange, using 'despite' implies that being born on Groundhogs day would somehow affect her love for reading books.
In your conclusion you say "...and as you may know Ashley loves fantasy books." You never specifically stated that Ashley loves fantasy books, besides her favorite author writing fantasy, so your reader might not 'already know' that she enjoys fantasy.
You wrote a nice piece and the fact that you explained what groundhogs day was allowed those who may not know about the holiday truly see what makes it so unique, as the reader i would have enjoyed reading more about Ashley, so a longer story would have been more appealing.
Good job :)
You could explain more about the author and more about her life outside of school.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a good job of putting all your information together, but I feel that you could've made it a little bit longer. There wan't a certain requirement for the length, so you didn't do anything wrong, but it might have been a bit better if it was longer. Maybe it was because you didn't have much information to work with, (which i found as a problem lol) but I wish I found out more about Ashley as a general person. Don't get me wrong though, I do think you did a good job with flow and the way you worded everything :)
ReplyDelete